Standing five floors above a building where I pretend to touch the effulgent stars above just to draw Cassiopeia or Cepheus, fascinates my inner being more than anything that could ever exist. In all honesty, the tranquility that resonates from their distance to mine is a necessity that fills out the emptiness that hovers every now and then in my existence. It's one of my favorite things, aside from music.
However, I unconsciously found my feet dragging me closer to the ledge. Again. I shut my eyes to avoid myself from seeing a tint of color in the black and white space below, but without my permission it decided to open on its own. I'm forcing myself not to, but the gravity is too hard to fight. Hesitantly, I looked down....then saw another perfectly imperfect spot to land.
"But I don't want to fall, if no one would fall back to catch me", I whispered to myself.
I don't want to fall again. I don't want to be the one who comes picking up the fragments that I already know would shatter again once I let myself be part of this suicide mission. I don't want be the one writing sad songs and poems about how stupid and naive I was for falling for a place I thought was safe to land. I know it's been a while since I got up and moved on from an ill-fated fall that marked a huge crater on the walls of my fairly guarded heart, but I just can't take the risk of falling for a place that might be meant for someone else again. So as the pounding of the clock gets louder inside my chest, I cautiously, very cautiously take an alternate step back. Slowly. Carefully.
The thought of inundating yourself from your own what ifs is nothing but torture. But letting yourself be engulfed by something delusional is more than just a disaster, it's all the hurtful words printed in the dictionary combined. Trust me, I've always engaged myself in my own illusion..
It has always been me falling and no one falling back to catch me.
It has always been me falling and no one falling back to catch me.
I might be on the edge of experiencing another great fall, I don't know, but I promise myself not to be taken away by the gentle push of the wind up here. I don't want to fall not because it might not be worth it, i don't want to fall because cowardice and fear runs in my blood.
I fear you. I fear the person I'd become if I let my emotions control over my entirety. I'm both too resolute and vulnerable for such venture. If I let myself be part of this another deranged fantasy, I don't know how I can escape from it fast. So right now I decide to just let things be like the usual. I'll just wait for the right
